09 March 2021

My take on MOTHERHOOD

Alina Ceusan # Articles

“Motherhood is the greatest thing and the hardest thing.” – Ricki Lane

I sometimes think this says it all. And so I begin, always: it’s the most hardcore and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever done, at the same time. Everything kinda balances in this beautiful mess called life with a new human being. New born. The unknown. Everything you heard? Delete it all. I always felt like everyone failed to mention these new feelings, and how everything is so damn beautiful. Life gets a new meaning, your heart bursts with love (of all kinds, yes, there are more kinds that you’ve known so far). When Rock smiles, I smile. And damn it he smiles all the time.

Motherhood is like a never ending (pajama) party. Yes it is hard, sleepless nights await you. As in: you’ll be awake for an hour or so, breastfeeding every two hours. That means that you will DEFINITELY want to sleep when the baby sleeps (a lot) and fold the laundry when the baby folds the laundry (aka never). Help is welcomed, help is needed, trust me. Say yes to your mom. Say yes to your in laws, say yes to your beloved sister or friend if they lend a helping hand. Because Lord knows, sometimes I felt like I needed 8 hands to handle Rock, the dirty and always in use Elvie pump, tea, soup, water, the postpartum things. Nappies. Creams. Bath time. Gettin’ back to this: the sleep deprivation is real.

No matter how much I thought that being a workaholic, traveling as we did aka Monday in New York, Friday in Milan, next Tuesday Morocco… being a new mom not only means that you never get to unpack the luggage, but you always feel late to the airport (imagine a laughing cry emoji). My mom, God bless her soul, would take Rock in the morning, so I could get some sleep up until the next feeding. Sometimes I would load up on coffee and go on with my day, but sometimes I couldn’t get out of bed. And to be honest I didn’t have to. But you don’t really understand this feeling of “it’s not possible” until you’re there. Sometimes I would wake up at 4-5 pm – and the sun was already setting, I couldn’t understand the fine line between day and night. I tell u sister, IT IS LIT.

But at the same time I experienced something that awed me. The purest feeling of love, of “you are needed, mommy”, I dare to say, I lived in my own bubble for at least 1 month. Didn’t feel the need to see anyone else but our family (due to COVID things seemed even worse, and I really wanted Rock to build up his immune system before meeting anyone else.) Carmen was among the very few that got to see him as a little new born baby. We felt so happy and complete, Raul, Rock and I. The world was ours and this is the feeling I want you girls to understand about motherhood, because this is everything I was never told before. That beyond “your life will change” stands this big wall of not only responsibility but also pure joy, freedom and something else. The feeling of belonging. One to another.

Love, A.